The Sam Hole

Twenty-ten, two thousand and ten or "Naught-ten"

2011-02-01T13:41:00.007Z

As is customary at the beginning of every new year, I've been looking back and asking myself "Where did 2010 go?". At first I dismissed it as just another year that had gone by in-discernibly, but then I began looking back at my photos from last year. Here's a quick recap and some of the best photos I came across.

The album labelled "January to May" brought back to memory the Stereophonics gig in Sheffield. After arriving at the arena and parking the car I pulled my phone out of my pocket to discover 37 missed calls and 5 text messages from Al. He'd come on the train from Lincoln...and forgotten his ticket. All I can remember about the rest of the night is having Subway, getting Al a ticket from a tout and then sleeping on Al's floor in Lincoln after a good show.

In amongst the other photos I also found a picture of a homosexual man:

June signalled the start of a brilliant summer. Halloumi on the barbecue, sun, (a disappointing) world cup and Rob falling over.

July and August were probably the highlight of 2010 for me. Obviously the biggest highlight was when the British Virgin Islands won the world cup (On the XBOX). Other than that there were more barbecues, sun and a trip from Istanbul to London in there somewhere. The Topdeck experience was brilliant, I loved the people, the places and even spooning with Al when the tent got particularly cold in Prague. I also got to know a certain Yank very well, something I'm really happy about. I could upload thousands of photos which I'd class as my favourites, but instead I'll just upload this one:

After such a great summer I finally began my placement here, in Bremen. All in all I'm enjoying it. There are things that I miss from home, but also things that I'll miss about Germany when I leave. Bremen's a great city and I've managed to see a lot of the country while I've been here too.

This picture (no matter how stereotypical) shows exactly why I love this country:

Here's to another great year in 2011!

A Reintroduction to Blogging

2011-01-10T17:38:00.000Z

I just logged into my Blogger account for the first time in what seems like forever.
My decision to revisit 2009 was prompted partly by the recent surge in “bloggerism” by a couple of friends of mine and partly by curiosity. You see as old age sets in (21 now), my memories are becoming increasingly harder to put dates on, scrap that, it’s hard to put years on most things now. I remember I finished school in 2006 and right now it’s 2011… isn’t it?

Anyway, after reading a few previous blogs, and also a few drafts that I didn’t publish, I realised that I should start committing a few more memories to paper (or to the internet at least). For instance, I’d totally forgotten about the black puma t-shirt that I lost two years ago, now that’s something I’ll want to tell the grandkids about, just in case they find it. I realise I’ll probably be way too fat by then but it’d still be nice to see it again!

Blogs, I’ve realised, are a brilliant way to preserve those memories, which at the time may feel totally mundane and unimportant, but in the future may bring a smile to your wrinkly, old, artery-clogged, heart attack having face. For instance, this great example of family life from 2009 that I found unpublished in my drafts,

“I haven't left the house for 3 days and the full family's ill. It's been horrible. Snot, sick and ear goop eveywhere.”

How can anyone say that that’s not precious?

After looking back over my previous blogs I decided that I should probably fill in the gaps (or at least plaster over the cracks)… I really have grown up a bit, 2 years ago those brackets would have contained a joke about the word gap. Oh my days.
It’d be unfair to only now start waxing lyrical about 2010, already half way down the page. Future Sam would hate me for that. Therefore I’ll be writing a blog over the next few days with all the juicy details, or at least the details I can remember. Something about a tent with Al B?

New Owls Manager Signs Crock, Axon.

2009-12-20T09:38:00.002Z

It's been a turbulant weekend at Hillsborough. Yesterday saw Brian Law's replacement; Alex Blackburne officially unveiled to the press. Blackburne got to work straight away knowing that he has a lot to do if he is to keep Wednesday away from the relegation places come the end of the season. His first signing came in the early hours of Sunday, Sam Axon, was snapped up on a free transfer after being without a club for some time.

Blackburne who started his managerial career at minnows Harrogate Town before moving on to make his name at AFC Telford landed his first job in League Football with a hopeful letter sent to Owls Chief Exec. Nick Parker, who saw real potential in him. With no other options at the time, Blackburne was handed a 1 year contract to prove himself. Parker had this to say of his new Manager, "Alex is a proven manager in the lower leagues, I'm certain his skills will transfer well to life in the Championship, I have complete faith in his ability and look forward to working with him for years to come."

Wednesday currently lie in 22nd place, marooned on 18 points, something which Blackburne wants to change, at his 1st press conference he had this to say "There's a lot to be done at this football club. They have such a great history and deserve better to be in the position that they're in. I'll be scouring the loan market and looking at a few free agents to help us through this tough spell before I can revamp the squad in January, the current players will all have to prove to me that they deserve their place in the team. It really is time to shape up, or ship out."

His first signing, Axon, is a real journeyman of lower league football but has been without a club since the 2007/08 season after Longhill Ravens were forced to fold. Known for his rock solid defence, organisational skills and skill going forward, he has been unfortunate with injury over his career and many pundits say that were it not for these injuries, he would have been a regular in the England team.

Blackburne will be hoping that Axon stays free from injury problems as he looks to patch up the Owls defence, which has been leaking goals of late, and rebuild it around the commanding Axon. "Sam is a great signing for us, of course we have fitness worries, mainly the fact that he can't manage a lap of our training field without needing oxygen and also that his left ankle is only held in place by a flimsy ankle support due to his lack of ligaments."

Axon, who was diagnosed with a dodgy ankle while playing for East Hull Tigers subsequently suffered repeat injuries twice with Longhill in the 2007/08 season, is looking forward to a new challenge, "I'm looking forward to a new challenge." Axon said when asked about his view on this new challenge.

Blackburne will take charge for Wednesday's game on Boxing Day against Newcastle and will be looking to hand a debut to Axon as well as any other pre-christmas signings.

Dream Team: Conference North

2009-11-03T14:44:00.002Z

The English Conference North; the 6th tier of English football is not the most classy place to be plying your trade as a manager. Especially when it's on a 3 year old copy of Football Manager in your bedroom, borrowed from your mate, in Hull, while you're a student. Yes, that's right, I'm a loser and cosequently nearly just fell backwards of my chair while typing that sentence.

Nevertheless, my two friends (not my only 2 friends, just 2 of my numerous (4) friends) are currently trying to take Harrogate Town all the way to the Premier League on Football Manager 2010. I on the other hand thought it might be fun to see what would happen if an American pornography tycoon bought the mighty 'Sulphurites' and injected oodles of cash into them.

So, I was appointed manager at the beginning of July 2006 with a rather healthy transfer budget of £700,000,000 to spend.

I was a fairly incompetent manager to start with, I didn't quite know where to look for players or hire staff so my first match was a disaster. I was beaten 2-1 by a team called Kermt-Haselt, who I can only guess are imaginary.

However, once I'd found my way around the screen I started to make some progress. I signed elderly goalkeeper Paul Jones first, who would in the end only play 1 game before being replaced by Peter Enklemann. I signed myself a good assistant and signed promising German midfielder Aaron Hunt.

My first pre-season in charge saw a major overhaul of the playing staff at Weatherby Road. Most of the original team were released or sold as I brought in players such as Danny Guthrie, Phil Cave, Steven Warnock and Nicky Southall who all played their part in my first win. 3-1 against Huddersfield.

My next game was a friendly against Lancaster who had a Striker called Rob Black. I figured this could only be a good thing and was proved right as I won 7-0 and Black was sent off for a clumsy challenge on Nicky Southall. Typical.

My first league match was re-arranged due to international call-ups, which I assume is a first for the Conference North. In the end it was a 0-0 draw with highly glamorous Leigh. These would be the only points I dropped all season as my Harrogate dream team would go on to win their remaining 41 league matches convincingly and we found ourselves declared Champions with around 12 games left to play.

Not everything went totally to plan in my first League season though. Despite winning the FA Trophy, I was dumped out of the FA cup by Coventry in the 4th round and also found myself embroiled in a Fergie style war of words with Scarborough manager Mick Hucknall (Although I'm not sure if Mick was actualy his first name, I've done that for comic effect).

The club was also leaking money at an alarming rate. Transfer fees, wages and a maximum stadium capacity of around 3,000 had left me with very little money coming in compared to a lot going out. A problem which I'll have to fix next year in the big, bad Conference.

Happy America Day

2009-10-31T16:15:00.003Z

The Webster's Dictionary definition of Halloween:

Halloween or Hallowe'en is a holiday celebrated in much of the Western world on the night of October 31, the night before All Saints Day (Nov. 1), hence its alternative name as All Saints Eve or All Hallows' Eve. Long surviving in Ireland, it was brought to the United States by Irish emigrants in the 19th century.

Why Webster's Dictionary you ask? Well, because it's purely American, much like Halloween should be. I fail to see why we (and the rest of the world) buy into everything from 'across the pond' so readily. Fair enough they make pretty good music, and film, and TV, I have no problem with that, I'm actually a big fan of shows like Scrubs and Friends but I just don't understand why we have this desire as a country to be just like America.

I think this has all been brought on by my fundamental hatred for Halloween. The kids knocking on your door while their parents stand judgmentally at the end of your driveway, the shitty orange excuse for a fruit more commonly known as a pumpkin and worst of all the 25 year old chavs who knock on your door at 11pm saying trick or treat who think that putting their hood up is a good enough costume.

Thankfully in our house everyone is of the same opinion. We sit silently in complete darkness ignoring any knocks on the door whilst clutching our crucifixes waiting for daybreak, when we know we'll be safe again. Of course there's always one set of the little trick or treating bastards who sneak around on the 1st of November trying to con you, which is why we usually go out as a family for tea and surround the house with bear traps. The corpses make a wonderful desert when served with left over toffee apples from Hull fair.

But my biggest problem with Halloween, the thing I hate most, is people wanting money from you. Why on earth should I give people money for dressing like they've just escaped a mental asylum? I work hard for my money, there's no way I'm giving it to some acne ridden teenager because he's managed to buy a set of fake fangs and squirt tomato ketchup in and around his mouth. The little shits will be getting nothing from me, ever.

So my plea to the whole of the United Kingdom (which will somewhat be in vain because I know that only 3 people read this blog) is to stop celebrating Halloween, put more emphasis on Bonfire night instead, a night which actually has some cultural and historical relevance to us all.

(Even though for most of you, culture is defined as which drug-dealer you use or where you like to go to get absolutely rat-arsed and beat up your wife, and History is defined as who you shagged up the arse last week, you fucking Phillistines.)

My Life; Without Football Manager

2009-10-27T18:15:00.002Z

So that time of year's rolling around again!

No, I'm not talking about Christmas or even the new year, I'm talking about Football Manager's release date. Friday the 30th of October 2010 to be precice; The day that I'll lose 2 friends to the lure of a PC football management game (as the game's title suggests).

Phil and Alex are both taking charge of Harrogate Town (Up the Sulphurites!) and hopefully taking them all the way to the top of the Premiership, and maybe even Europe. They'll both be blogging their progress, Alex's will be here:

http://alexbrfc-fm-blog.blogspot.com/

and Phil's will be... well, I'm sure once Phil gets round to it there'll be a link on Alex's page.

But in the spirit of not being left out I thought I might start blogging a bit more regularly (who needs a degree anyway?)

Who knows, I might even blog about some of the games I've been addicted to, it'll be something for Phil and Al to read once Harrogate have their hands on the Champions League Trophy.

I would start now, but I just saw a German film with breasts in it, so I have to go and reminisce! Bye!

The Not So Mighty Black and Whites

2009-09-04T19:58:00.002+01:00

I'm currently sat with my laptop on my knee downstairs watching Leeds vs St Helens in the super league, which has always been a big game. It's a typical Friday night; Mum's reading a book, my brother's just going to bed and Jamie's sat screaming at the referee for no apparent reason. There's already been one break away, a fantastic try-saving tackle, a sin binning and a disallowed try. It just makes me wonder what's happened to my team: the once great Hull FC. 3 years ago they were riding high. They'd won the challenge cup in the most dramatic of fashions in 2005 and had a dream season in 2006, making it all the way to the Grand final, only losing out to the then unstoppable St Helens.

Fast Forward to the present and Hull FC have finished outside of the playoff bracket for the second year in a row. 2008 saw them finish as the 2nd worst team in the league and 2009 doesn't promise to be much better. So why the sudden turn around in fortunes?

Well, the first (and most obvious reason) is the decline in quality of the playing squad. Over the last few seasons FC have had a strange fetish for so called 'utility' players, meaning that they've been bringing in players who can cover multiple positions in case of injury etc. This has however left the team without specialist players. As much as it pains me to say it, they've never replaced Paul Cooke. Also, letting Shaun Briscoe move to the dark side is one of the worst decisions ever made at the club. Again it was a decision taken because Briscoe was not enough of a 'utility player' but now we've been left without a recognised full back while Briscoe works magic for Hull KR.

Signings like Chris Thorman just show how much of a backward step the club is taking. Instead of signing Michael Dobson when they had the opportunity, the club opted to let him join Hull KR and instead signed a player who was not good enough to play half back for Huddersfield. He waddle's like a duck and is a geordie, why would anyone in their right mind sign him?!

The Second major reason; the lack of a good coach and backroom staff. Richard Agar is an assistant coach at best yet he's in charge of the first team with another Huddersfield reject: John Sharpe.

Third of all, the passion has gone. The players don't play with pride which means in turn that the crowd are less enthusiastic. It's like nobody wants to be there anymore.

All in all it's a bit of a shit situation, and I don't know why we, the fans bother anymore.

Oh and I'm sorry that I've had to vent my anger on here on a subject that most of you have little or no interest in. I just thought it'd be better if I put it in writing! What a surprise, we're losing 10-6 at half time to Wigan...

Thinking Thursday

2009-08-13T16:07:00.002+01:00

Today was the day that I ran out of things to do.

My last exam was at the beginning of June and the last 2 and a half months have melted away. Don't get me wrong I've had a brilliant time but it's gone way too fast. I don't think life will ever be this care-free again and it sucks.

This time in 10 years I could be married. Obviously I'd need to find a girl first, and at this rate it's not likely because Karma isn't my friend but the thought's still really scary.

This time in 10 years I'll be worrying about turning 30, not 20 and my dad will be pushing 60. No doubt I'll be working 9-5 all week and all my hopes and dreams will have been smashed. Ah well, I might not even live that long. I'll just have to make the most of it wont I?

Gran Canaria Blog

2009-08-09T15:25:00.005+01:00

So, 2 guys go on holiday alone, kinda gay huh? SHUT UP! THIS IS THE 21st CENTURY, GET OVER YOURSELF!

Ok, so that’s that over with (for now). This blog will be a little different and will probably only be enjoyed by me and Phil, but screw the rest of you ‘cause I’m writing it anyway.

Me and Señor Bexley had a very subdued ride to the airport, mainly because my step-dad decided that he’d listen to the Cricket commentary on the radio for the full journey. Now, Cricket’s boring on TV, but radio cricket is like a mild sedative. I zoned out for 2 hours and forgot who I was. Infact at one point I think I actually thought I was Andrew Flintoff. Therefore you can imagine our relief when we finally got to the airport to check in. We had a little mis-hap when Phil forgot that pasties aren’t allowed in your hand-luggage. The poor guy had packed 5 steak slices and 2 Cornish pasties which he had to throw away, such a waste!

After being charged £9 for a Burger in the airport Phil became a little irate and tipped all of the sugar out of the bowl although he said it was an accident.

Perhaps it was the guy who when questioned as to why he was cutting infront of the 4 person long queue for security with his wife answered with, “Yes, I’ve paid for the fast lane” who really fucked with Phil’s head because I know it did with mine. The guy was taking pride in the fact that he’d probably paid an extra £50 so that he could be a smug twat and push past 4 people, which made it SO satisfying when Phil and I strolled through to the departure lounge before the smug bastard had even put his belt back on.

Sooner or later we actually arrived in Gran Canaria and were greeted by a wonderfully mongy holiday rep called Jodie, which wasn’t a pretty sight at 2am. Surprise surprise: she was from Hull, possibly the mongo capital of the world. ‘Our Jodie’ as she became known showed us to our hotel, The Altamar, which was fine except we’d been given the room right at the bottom and had to take the world’s smallest, most illogical lift at 3am to get to it and then find it in the dark.

Other than that, the hotel was generally fine. The view was great, Taxis to the main centre cost less than 5 Euros and it had 2 massive pools. The night that I melted into a puddle because of my broken fan was far from pleasant though and we only had 1 channel on the TV: Eurosport. So over the course of the week we both became experts in Cycling (BRADLEY WIGGINS!), Diving (TOM DALEY!) and erm... well, that was it all week really! We just sat back and ate and drank questionable produce e.g. Chorizo and ‘Bati’ strawberry milk. Phil particularly liked the bati.

Other activities which took place in our room included: Rubbing sun cream into each other’s backs, smelling our fragrant fridge, having slightly homo-erotic pistachio fights, pretending to be a velocoraptor, and flashing the full resort of Puerto Rico (The last 2 were just Phil’s).

So did they just stay in the apartment for a full week acting like special children you ask? Not quite, but one incident in particular makes me wish I had. We went over to a club called ‘Cream’ in Playa de Inglés one night for some party times. The drinks were 2 for 1 and within about 10 minutes I’d downed approximately 4 double vodka and cokes, not good. Fast forward 10 minutes and I’m having a race across the dance-floor on a space hopper with some girl, the prize being a shot of sambuca. Being how I am, I fell face first off the thing but still managed to win the race. I then proceeded to buy more sambuca because it was only 1 Euro a shot.

I’m not going into too much detail but let’s just say that I ended up pulling a right porker from Oldham (whose name I can’t remember) and then doing some things on a bus that I’m not proud of with a girl called Charlotte.

Moving On! Other things that we did were:

Mini-golf, we played twice and both won one each. Pardraig Harrington would be proud.

Eating tonnes of food. Especially me, I actually ate Old McDonald’s farm one night in the form of a mixed grill, I felt so ill afterwards.

We went to Aqualand, a waterpark with an awesome lazy river and obviously suffered from the age old problem of dealing with a scorching hot floor in bare feet, but all was made better when we saw possibly the most pert Spanish lady in history. The image of her goddess like ‘Tatty Bojangles’ will be forever etched into mine and Phil’s consciousnesses.

We rented a pedelo one day (jet-skis were too expensive) and nearly got destroyed by an oncoming ferry .

We took a trip on a Catamaran on the Friday out into the ocean which was good. We got off to swim for a bit which was fun until I realised I couldn’t tread water for more than 5 minutes and the water below me was 50 meters deep, but I survived and it was a good day!

Anyway I’m not gonna carry on detailing every single aspect of the holiday. I’m just gonna say it was a week very well spent with one of my best mates (even if he is sometimes a dinosaur).

So when the time came to go home, we packed up our stuff and left the chorizo in the fridge for the cleaner to enjoy. We managed to pass 2 minutes on the plane journey home trying to name the full ground-force team. We had Titchmarsh and Charlie ‘no bra’ Dimmock straight away but for some reason Tommy Walsh evaded us. Ah well, now we know!

The Irate Blog

2009-07-13T18:30:00.002+01:00

I'm not a violent person. You probably know this. I'm the type of guy who would call someone a twat, throw a shoe at them and then run away instead of fight, but the past couple of hours have just made me want to punch someone/something.

I wont elaborate otherwise my laptop might find itself in pieces in the garden :)

The Inevitable Response To Al B's Opinions

2009-07-10T16:28:00.002+01:00

As I detailed in the last blog, Alex and I had a sort of playlist showdown on Spotify, and really, who in their right mind would think that would be the end of it?! I just needed to clear up a few points.

Firstly, I think we're all in agreement that I have an unhealthy need for late 70s/80s rock. I'm not denying it but just wanted to show that I don't just sit all day in a darkened room listening to Rush and Journey, I also sit in a darkened room listening to slightly more modern music (sometimes).

Oh and I liked the songs before Guitar Hero did, the guys at Guitar Hero just have good taste! Kudos to Alex on liking Reel Big Fish and Less Than Jake. I think we've both come away from this experiment with a slightly more varied music taste. I know I'll be checking out more of Gym Class Heroes, Dan le Sac and Scroobius Pip and also Rilo Kiley. We've both learned something!

Something which really surprised me about Alex's playlist was that a lot of the songs sounded really similar, something which Alex also said about mine. The word generic was used an awful lot on both sets of reviews, but I'm sure if you asked either one of us about our own playlists we'd swear that they weren't. I suppose it's just a case of what you're used to, and nothing will ever change it.

Going into this experiment, my ultimate aim was to convert Alex into a genuine Rock-a-holic, and I'm sure he expected me to come out of it a changed man, but I've definitely realised that there's no way to change anyone's music taste. A song that's absolute garbage to one guy is a musical gem to another. Foo Fighters being a stand out example; I love them, I'm not ashamed to say that I'd love to spoon with Dave Grohl while listening to DOA, but they don't do anything for Alex. Music taste is so diverse and I'm just glad that our music taste crosses over at some points and we can both agree that bands such as Nickelback, RHCP and the Stereophonics are all fantastic! Long Live King Chad!

P.S. Gwen Stefani really is quite hot and cold isn't she? Who in their right mind would wanna do 'the nasty' with a fried egg?

The Great Spotify Experiment

2009-07-09T18:13:00.004+01:00

Let me give you some background...

Mr Alex Blackburne is forever going on at me about my music taste. Insults such as ‘80s Boy’ have been thrown at me and frankly I’d had enough. I will admit to a slightly unhealthy desire to occasionally listen to Duran Duran, but that’s all it is, occasional. So I pointed out that Alex’s taste wasn’t exactly perfect (He has a Five megamix on his iPod) and challenged him to make a 40 track playlist which represented the bare bones of his music taste and said I’d do the same, then we’d swap. This Blog will give you a track by track review and then probably some form of GCSE science style conclusion.

So here we go!
Breaking Up – Rilo Kiley: A promising start, was singing backing by the time the 2nd chorus came around.

Rubber Love – Marmaduke Duke: Heard it before on the radio, can’t really argue with pop. Like it

Our Bovine Public – The Cribs: Very Wellyesque, can’t say I really buy into it, quite catchy though.

MGMT – Kids: Bores me, excellent when I’m too drunk to think but otherwise has no place on my iPod.

Oxford Comma – Vampire Weekend: The beginning reminds me of music you expect to hear in a Hotel lobby or lift. Not liking the anti-grammar based lyrics.

I’m not alone – Calvin Harris: Don’t like the guy but one of his more bearable songs, didn’t mind it.

Tribulations – LCD Soundsystem: Bored me a bit. Faded into the background.

Inaction – We are Scientists: Were good when I saw them at Ice Arena live but the studio stuff appears to be very average.

Encore – Jay Z: Once it’s been mixed with Linkin Park the original pales in significance.

Love Foolosophy - Jamiroquai: Reminds me of being about 10. Love the uniqueness. A classic.

Amylase – Cajun Dance Party: A song named after an enzyme that breaks down food? (thank you A-level Biology) Not original enough.

Spotify Ad: Oh wait...

Reptilia – The Strokes: Already love this song, just how far into the 80s does Al B think I’m embedded?

Moving to New York – The Wombats: Again, already on my iPod. Like the erratic bass-line.

You owe me an IOU – Hot Hot Heat: Didn’t anjoy it as much as Al B expected I would. Not the Best HHH around ;-)

Come Running – Darren Styles: Promising start but the dance crap killed it. Like a Scooter/Willy Mason cross breed.

Dawn of Dead – Does it offend you, yeah?: I don’t understand, it did offend me a tiny bit.

New Friend Request – Gym Class Heroes: FINALLY! A song about myspace and the politics of adding people. Never given them a chance before but maybe I should. Afterall, that’s what this experiment is all about.

2 Atoms in a molecule – Noah and the Whale: Short and sweet (Y)

More Than Words – Extreme: Would be more at place on my playlist, a classic.

Pink Sabbath – Danananananananananananananaykroyd: Listen to either War Pigs or Paranoid by BLACK Sabbath for a demonstration of why Black beats Pink.

Terra Firma – The Young Knives: Guy’s voice annoyed me.

Leave it Alone – Operator Please: Not really for me.

In for the Kill (Remix) – La Roux: Crap Voice, too slow. Don’t mind the original though.

Cath... – Death Cab for Cutie: Decent Voice, might give them a try!

Touch the Sky – Kanye West: I’m not racist, but... (I’m joking) I actually liked this, which surprised me.

Thank You – Sly and the family Stone: Play that funky music white boy.

Apply Some Pressure, Maximo Park: Liked it.

Somebody, Somewhere – Cazals: Quirky and upbeat, very catchy.

Do You Feel – Rocket Summer: Sound similar to Fall Out Boy, except FOB do it with a bit more feeling.

Letter from God to Man – Dan le Sac and Scroobius Pip: Very Unique, Al B raves about them. The lyrics make the song, which is the idea. Will be listening to these more.

Beautiful Girls – Sean Kingston: How alex can rag me for listening to cheese is beyond belief, this might aswell be Las Ketchup

If you’re out there – John Legend: Too downbeat and slow.

3 ad: damn, done it again. But still, how will free skype to skype calls help me when my phone never works?

Paranoid Android – Radiohead: Songs this long need to be epic, this wasn’t.

I Remember – Deadmau5, Kaskade: Not bad.

Clouds – Rumble Strips: Reminds me of the Benny Hill theme tune.

I Love College – Asher Roth: 2 songs come to mind; ‘Because I got High’ and ‘Heaven is a Halfpipe’. Laid Back, like it.

Out of the Question – Mumm-ra: Sure I’ve heard something very similar on this playlist already.

Around the World – Daft Punk: Prefer the Chilis song of the same name. In dire need of a shorter version! But otherwise good.

Banquet – Bloc Party: I automatically like songs which have been on Fifa, so this gets a thumbs up!

Well, that’s it! It’s been a bit of an eye-opener. Some of the stuff I would never have heard if it hadn’t been for this ‘experiment’ and it’s been quite beneficial. Some songs I loved, some I didn’t, but that was what it was all about. Here’s hoping that Alex has enjoyed it as much as I have!

Empty

2009-07-05T15:06:00.002+01:00

I'm not even gonna apologise for not blogging. I've just read the last few I've written and I've apologised in every single one. So I feel it's becoming a bit pointless.

So on with the blogging we go!

The past few days I've woken up feeling somewhat empty, for which I can only offer 2 explanations:

1) I've recently cut back on the amount of food I'm eating (which would literally make me more empty)

OR 2) I have 4 months off from Uni and I feel like like my life is as pointless as a C&G employee trying for a promotion (Sorry Callie!)

Either way I need to start doing something. Very little in the outside world would change if I stayed in bed for the full week (except possibly a couple of angry phone-calls from work). Originally I promised myself that I'd make the most of my time but once again it's slipping away while I accomplish next to nothing so I'm gonna write a list here and publish it so I have to stick to things. These are the 5 things I'm starting with:

i) Stop being a boring bastard and go out more
ii) actually use the gym that I pay £29 a month for more than once a month
iii) be ready for Uni in October
iv) Stop eating when bored. It was never really a problem before but now I'm bored 24/7 and am getting a bit of a podge
v) lose the pogde!

There we go, 5 step plans solve everything. No doubt I'll blog in 3 months time telling you I've failed but at least I'm taking positive steps!

Moving on! I was recently introduced to Spotify and consequently a wealth of music both modern and, well, 80s. Which has obviously done wonders for my reputation as the guy who should have been born 20 years earlier but I don't care. Such classics as AC/DC, Thin Lizzy and Black Sabbath mixed with bands like the Offspring, Sum 41 and Faith No More have given me a much needed break from the crap that's usually on Radio 1.

Ok, I'm bored already so instead of carrying on with the blog I'm gonna link you to this website: http://thereifixedit.com/

P.S. If anyone knows where my black Puma top is please let me know. I miss it dearly.

The Blog which Ends Abruptly

2009-05-06T20:59:00.004+01:00

I know this has been a long time coming, and Rosie, I apologise! But I really haven't had the energy.

It's not that the Student life's hard work or challenging in any way, but you kind of get used to doing nothing, and writing a regular blog was one of the things which I had to postpone in order to fulfil my daily slobbery needs. Other sacrifices include: the gym, eating a healthy diet, maintaining regular hygiene and changing my bed sheets.

I'm sure you're thrilled to know that.

So it's exam time soon, and lately I've been revising to the sound of Nickelback and 1970s Rock and Roll. Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak is a classic and some of Nickelback's Lyrics have seen me look like a total prick infront of strangers in the street by giggling to myself on the way home from work, (I kid you not, it did happen)

I guess it wasn't really right
I guess it wasn't meant to be
It didn't matter what they said
'Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn't matter what I tried
It's just a little hard to leave
When you're going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Is that not the best lyric writing in the world?

The Blog which Ends Abruptly

2009-02-01T19:54:00.003Z

Tomorrow is my first day back at University after Christmas after 5 weeks off. I bloody love the Student life!

This time of year's always a bit depressing. An 11 Month wait til Christmas and to make matters worse I turn 20 this year. It's not good. I'm barely mature enough to be a teenager, never mind an adult. I still giggle like a schoolgirl if someone has a funny last name, ('Woodcock' being a brilliant example) and I also still religiously watch Nickelodeon. Ah well.At least I don't live in Zimbabwe.

Why Zimbabwe you ask? Well, really just so I can post this picture of what 100 Billion Zimbabwean Dollars would buy you:

Oh and also this one, just because I can:

The Naked Blog (Not for the faint hearted)

2009-01-16T18:41:00.004Z

Ever had a day where you feel like you've accomplished absolutly nothing?
Well I had one today and I have to say it was fantastic.

For the last 4 days I've been spending most of my time writing possibly the least interesting essay ever known to mankind: 'The Significance of the 1848 Revolution on the development of Modern Germany'.

WOOHOO! erm... well not really, it has driven me to levels of boredom which I thought only existed in ancient myth and at star trek conventions. Some time during yesterday afternoon's bore-fest I spent a good half hour putting super glue on my finger and watching it dry, and then peeling it off. I even drew up mental plans for a new shelf to house my never-ending DVD collection. I hope that this information is really emphasising the fact that I've been BORED. Nobody ever does DIY when they have better things to do!

I even cooked (although I don't know if you can count egg and beans as cooking.) Just One piece of advice for everyone: Never cook foods that spatter when you're only wearing your underwear, it's painful and unpleasant and there's always the possibility that you might end up frying something else... Something that only John Barrowman would eat.

While I'm on the topic of matters below the belt, I had a crisis this morning when I was getting dressed. There was no underwear left in my drawer. What would you do in that situation?

would you:
a) Go without
b) fashion some makeshift boxers from old newspapers
c) Wear yesterday's pair inside out
d) Borrow a pair of your brothers spiderman y-fronts
or
e) Go back to bed and forget about clothes for the day altogether?

Let me know what you'd do. (if you pick D, I'm ringing the police)

An Apology

2009-01-04T22:33:00.002Z

Dear Blog Fan,
I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to you about the lack of blogness recently. I'm sure if you'd have been that bothered you'd have complained. So I'll just get down to it shall I?

About a week before Christmas my family all got Leprosy, including me. It was horrible and subsequently ruined my birthday. Instead of going to bed at 4am after drinking copious amounts of alcohol as I'd planned, I was in bed by 9pm after drinking copious amounts of Lemsip, which incidentally tastes like it's been through a gerbil's digestive system.

Christmas was average, as always. It's the same thing every year, and it's always on the same day! How boring! My favourite present was obviously my brand new slinky. Screw all the new clothes and DVDs and the rest of the expensive stuff. Slinky's where it's at!

After a week's solid slinky play, 2008 was over. It wasn’t a great year for a lot of reasons. The main reason being that I saw Callie Gower 6 times. And we all know that once a decade is quite enough. So let’s all hope that 2009 is a good, fun, Callie-free year!

Shalom to You.

December!

2008-12-11T19:41:00.003Z

Well, my masterpiece is finished. My life will be empty without it, but at least now everyone can enjoy the fruits of my imagination!

I decided that I needed to write a new 'normal' blog because I haven't done one in December yet. So here we go...

Ice - It was really icy this morning and walking my brother to school was hilarious. it really shouldn't have been but it was. You just can't hold the laughter in when you see a kid fly flat on his arse while trying to show off. Priceless. Karma nearly got me back though. I almost went on my way home!

Benefits - How can people complain that the government's gonna stop their benefits if they don't look for work? Why do they think they have the right to leech off other people who work hard? I'm sticking to the plan that I set out in one of my very first blogs about 4 years ago: Blow up Bransholme and make it 'BransHOLE'.

And now I've suddenly run out of things to talk about, so I'm going to finish on a quote from Futurama.

"Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's Love: Hard and Fast"

Goodbye and Goodnight!

An Epic Tale Part 4: The End

2008-12-11T19:33:00.001Z

It was the day of the assault on diet coke and Bill was sat in a helicopter with the rubber fist ready to parachute in.

“I’m nervous, I think I’ve just wet myself” said the rubber fist.

“Shut up you girl” replied Bill in a typical lorry driver fashion.

As they both jumped the sound of the rubber fist’s bowels emptying could be distinctly heard. Despite this, Bill was focussed. He would defeat whoever was in charge of this un-holy product.

Luckily, our heroes parachuted straight through the glass ceiling of the head of Diet Coke’s office. Which when this story is made into a film will probably be replaced by lots of fight scenes and possibly a rip off of Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, this is the written version so use your imagination!
“Who are you?” said the mysterious director sat at a darkened desk in his office.

“My name’s Bill and this is my slightly homosexual sidekick; Jonathan” exclaimed Bill.

“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting you, despite my previous question. Sorry about the darkness by the way, bloody bulb’s gone!” said the director as he paced slowly into the light in a dramatic fashion.

“You ruined my life! Who are you?”

“I think deep down you’ve know all along Bill”

The director stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Bill’s long time friend; Alex Blackburne.

“Alex? How could you!? I thought we were friends?” screeched the rubber fist.

Bill fell silent. Did he really want to kill his friend? Whether he had caused the death of his parents or not?

Fortunately fate made the decision for him. Alex slipped in a puddle of Diet Coke that he had spilled earlier in the day and he was sent crashing through the window of his 12th floor office head first onto a conveniently placed 8ft spike. Bill then realised that he had not used his super-powers at all in the full adventure, maybe it had been an oversight by the writer in an otherwise brilliant literary masterpiece, whatever it was, Bill didn’t really care. He flew home the next day, happy that he had taken revenge.

Blah Blah Blah ...Happily ever after.

An Epic Tale Part 3: Calm Before the Storm

2008-12-08T22:36:00.001Z

After many months of training (Which if this was a film would probably involve some kind of triumphant montage) Bill and the Rubber Fist started their assault on the Diet Coke headquarters.

Bill had spent a year’s wages on super-hero costumes, gadgets and the plane tickets to America, but he knew that it would all be worth it if he could take his revenge.
It was raining in Atlanta. The heroes were tired, and the colours in their costumes had begun to run. They stood outside the gates of the coca-cola company looking determined. Tomorrow they would launch their attack on Diet Coke (Once their costumes had dried).

Bill woke up with the rubber fist sprawled across his side of the bed in a pool of his own saliva, well, what he hoped was saliva. They’d been drinking and things had got kind of weird, but that’s a story for another day.

An Epic Tale Part 2: Choosing a Side-Kick

2008-12-08T17:41:00.001Z

Bill had first encountered Diet Coke as a child and its sugarless taste had haunted his taste buds ever since. His fear however was not based purely on a bad taste. When he was 8, his Mother was killed after choking on a diet coke bottle top. Then 2 years later he was orphaned when a crate of the stuff fell on his father’s head during a trip to Aldi.

Unfortunately, Bill was no Clark Kent, He was no Peter Parker and he was no Bruce Wayne. He was just plain old Bill Board with a big podgy belly and a love for anything deep-fried. This was going to be tough. If he was to take on the sugar-free giant, he would need help.

So Bill gathered together both of his friends and held auditions for a side-kick. Bill knew that a side-kick had to be much weaker and much more camp than the actual hero, so this ruled out the ultra-strong, ultra-masculine Alex Blackburne, meaning that Jonny Calvert won by default. Bill didn’t particularly like Jonny, and he liked him even less when he revealed that his super-hero name was “The Rubber Fist”, but he would have to do. Bill was running out of time...

An Epic Tale Part 1: Meet Mr Board

2008-12-03T19:01:00.003Z

A desolate Yorkshire beach on a bitterly cold day; there’s little sign of life except for a flock of malicious seagulls in the distance circling the battered corpse of a badger. A man stands atop the lighthouse triumphantly, hair flowing in the wind, and mutters, “Fucking Badgers”.

This man, surprisingly, is the hero of this story. His name is Bill; he’s 43, divorced with 2 kids. Until very recently he worked as a lorry driver but it came to a sudden end after a service station Cornish pasty turned him into a “Super-Hero”.

Bill wasn’t used to being super. He had always been somewhat average, if not slightly below. At school he was always more interested in what was in his packed lunch box than doing his work. He therefore chose to go into the business of “Meals on Wheels” which was a bad choice. He couldn’t stand the elderly and was fired for choking Mrs. McGee after she had protested against him eating her pork chop. He had numerous jobs during his 20s including Taxi driver, Escort, Underwear Tester, Laboratory Rat and Gigolo. He began driving lorries at 34, where he would remain until he encountered the Cornish pasty which was to shape his destiny.

Bill didn’t really know what to do with his new powers, killing the badger was the first positive thing that he’d done, but he knew he had to move on to bigger things. Maybe he’d get revenge on all the kids who picked on him at school? Maybe he’d end world hunger? Maybe he’d kill Robert Mugabe? All of these were possibilities, but at the back of his mind, Bill knew what he wanted rid of most, something he’d feared since childhood: Diet Coke.

Water Based Warfare

2008-11-30T21:48:00.004Z

Waking up on a hard floor lying next to someone hairier than a mountain gorilla is quite weird by all accounts, but when you're in Lincoln it's even weirder. I feel I should really explain myself...

You see Alex’s birthday was at the beginning of March so we decided that the end of November was as good a time as any to celebrate! Put simply, Alex had paintballing vouchers which expired today, so we used them.

We (Me, Matt and Rob) went down on Saturday night via Lincolnshire’s death roads in thick fog which was interesting. Had a few drinks, the usual, got back to Alex’s room and undertook what can only be described as the systematic pranking of everyone in my phone-book. It’s surprising how many people get annoyed at being called at 2am, but we just thought it was funny.

Matt, having forgotten his sleeping bag, had to spoon with Alex. I take great pleasure in publishing this photo:

And realising that the floor was about as comfortable as a 17th century slave ship I decided to try sleeping like this:

So anyway, paintballing. It was actually quite fun. There’s no better feeling than nailing a big, fat, annoying guy in the head from distance (and I didn’t even mean that in a sexual way).

The downside: Matty shooting his own team-mates. I’m sure he’s responsible for the lump on the back of my head. Dopey Bugger!

A Cup of Tea Makes Everything Better

2008-11-26T21:45:00.002Z

It does, it's true!

But just to be certain I had a load of biscuits and mince pies too, and of course no night in would be complete without Family Guy and some classic AC/DC. I was expecting a really sh*t day today, but it was pretty good. Don't you love it when that happens?

I was starting to have Blog withdrawal symptoms, but I honestly had nothing to talk about. This week's been about as interesting as sautéed potatoes. But I’m gonna try.

They’re apparently going to start charging people to throw away their waste. I don’t see how people can complain so much though. It’s really simple to recycle. Look at Bransholme for example; 96% of houses there are made out of old yoghurt pots, banana peels and their unwanted children (Which is a lot, they breed like rabbits and usually with their cousins). So, people of Britain, live the way of the Bransholmers! Wear your cap peak high! Drink only the highest class of special brew! And live in a house made from only the best polystyrene!

Oh how I love to be un-PC!

I’ve been told by Al B that I should write a short story, so I’m going to do exactly that. But not now, Now I’m going to Bed. Well, when I finish this sentence I will. Wait, this one. No, this one! Or will it be this one? I could go on all night.

THIS ONE!

How Exciting!

2008-11-23T21:27:00.004Z

Rough night lastnight!

I was in bed by 10:30 watching Match of the Day. I really need to slow down, I'll do myself an injury if I carry on doing all these exciting things all the time!

Two things happened today:

1) I Woke up and it had snowed.
2) I woke up and my car had a puncture.

Snow's obviously good, Punctures however suck more than Jenna Jameson, and changing a tyre in the snow sucks a whole lot more. If you've ever lied on your back in the snow for a long time (as Jenna Jameson often does) you'll know it's not the best thing to do (But at least she gets paid for it).

Another thing about today, which you should take note of, is that it's my birthday in exactly 1 month. So make sure you buy your presents early and make sure you spend £50 or more otherwise I won't be your friend. Finally, if you try buying me a joint present for my birthday and christmas, you'll wake up with your balls in your mouth (detatched).

Just a Short One

2008-11-21T16:00:00.004Z

I've definatly contracted Blog Fever.

I feel compelled to write about anything which remotely relates to my day what-so-ever and I don't think it's healthy.

What I do know however from previous blogs, is that the ideas will soon dry up. With this (and the fact that I have a memory span shorter than a book of French war heroes) in mind, I've decided to make the most of it!

It seems that the fever's spreading aswell, the one and only Rob Black now has a blog! So if you ever need to know anything about anything, that should be your first port of call. Oh, and by anything I only mean Hull KR and what's wrong with Tuition Fees, I doubt he'll get much further than that!

Dear Doris, You'll Never Guess What I Did!

2008-11-21T11:29:00.004Z

12 Hours later and my verbs are still sat here on my desk not being learned. Which means that this afternoon will be a massive cramming session, trying to get as much in as I can (Just not in the way that Jonny C does, the gay little terrier).

I really need motivating, but there are too many better things to be doing; Facebook, Watching TV, going back to bed, drinking copious amounts of sugary Tea to name a few. It's just impossible!

I even got so bored that I was reading my sister's 'Cosmo' this morning, apparently that's what all the kids call Cosmoplitan... Anyway, half the pages are adverts, none of which are about cars or naked ladies so it was pretty god damn boring. The sex pages however are hilarious! Such classic tales as "I was sacked for having sex on the office stairs" and "I wouldn't have done it sober" are an inspiring insight into the lives of overweight, middle-aged housewives who like to throw it about a bit. Who doesn't like reading about what Gladice from marketing did with Martin from management on the photocopier at the last christmas party? Well... Me actually.

Procrastination

2008-11-20T22:00:00.003Z

I got in at 6pm tonight, who doesn't love traffic lights? Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I can't be bothered to do work and I'm generally putting it off. I know what you're thinking, Who doesn't want to learn numerous German verbs? It must just be me!

As I mentioned in the last blog, I'm not a fan of winter. Everything's so dull. So I decided to look at holidays to take my mind off the cold. I then realised how stupid travel companies are, car rental companies to be precise. Who in their right mind would drive a camper van from Frankfurt to Iran? Who would even go to Iran? Do they even have roads there? Who would want to get shot as an infidel for pleasure?

Companies really do like to cover their arses don't they? I opened a tin of tuna the other day and realised that it said "May contain fish". That's as ridiculous as Hootie and the Blowfish or Morocco.

Anyway I feel I should go learn these verbs, otherwise the universe might end!

November

2008-11-19T17:50:00.000Z

November's always a bit rubbish isn't it? There's firework night but that's about it. This year was ok, better than most others, but we still have a pile of empty rockets outside the back door and the remains of a Catherine wheel attached to the wall. Which is the same everywhere I suppose because nobody can be bothered to make the garden look nice when it's only light for 3 hours a day and it rains all the time. Don't you just love Britain?

The only other real notable event in November is of course Latvian Independence Day, which was yesterday. All the happy little Latvians celebrate their poor soil quality and lack of culture while worshiping their god: Marian Pahars (Formerly of Southampton FC) It really is the highlight of an all together dull month.

Oh, and if you're into musical theatre, you could always celebrate the Moroccan Independence Day where everyone parades through the streets of San Francisco and proclaims "We're Here, We're Queer, get used to it!" (Maybe it's a Lincoln thing)

With it being so late in the year, I feel I can't not mention Christmas, I might not act it, but I'm actually as excited as a catholic priest who's just "accidentally" locked himself in the dressing room of the Church's Under 11s Boys Football team and who's also "accidentally" lost his robe.

... best metaphor ever!

Anyway, the shops have all started playing Slade and Band Aid on a loop already (If they didn't know it was Christmas time back then, I'm sure they do now) and I'm sure all the Christmas lights down Preston Road are already up (If the people were ever sober and un-pregnant enough to manage taking them down last year). So I guess it's only a matter of time until the big fat guy empties his sack in my living room, and shortly afterwards Father Christmas will deliver some presents too.

Enough of that vulgarity, I figured I'd better back this blog up with a bit of history. I started blogging nearly 4 years ago on MSN live spaces, then moved to Myspace but they got a bit infrequent, and for some reason I've decided to start again. I generally go on about things that have 'ground my gears' recently or I just talk rubbish. Either way, Morocco's as gay as a tree full of sparrows.

Goodbye and Goodnight!