An Epic Tale Part 1: Meet Mr Board

A desolate Yorkshire beach on a bitterly cold day; there’s little sign of life except for a flock of malicious seagulls in the distance circling the battered corpse of a badger. A man stands atop the lighthouse triumphantly, hair flowing in the wind, and mutters, “Fucking Badgers”.

This man, surprisingly, is the hero of this story. His name is Bill; he’s 43, divorced with 2 kids. Until very recently he worked as a lorry driver but it came to a sudden end after a service station Cornish pasty turned him into a “Super-Hero”.

Bill wasn’t used to being super. He had always been somewhat average, if not slightly below. At school he was always more interested in what was in his packed lunch box than doing his work. He therefore chose to go into the business of “Meals on Wheels” which was a bad choice. He couldn’t stand the elderly and was fired for choking Mrs. McGee after she had protested against him eating her pork chop. He had numerous jobs during his 20s including Taxi driver, Escort, Underwear Tester, Laboratory Rat and Gigolo. He began driving lorries at 34, where he would remain until he encountered the Cornish pasty which was to shape his destiny.

Bill didn’t really know what to do with his new powers, killing the badger was the first positive thing that he’d done, but he knew he had to move on to bigger things. Maybe he’d get revenge on all the kids who picked on him at school? Maybe he’d end world hunger? Maybe he’d kill Robert Mugabe? All of these were possibilities, but at the back of his mind, Bill knew what he wanted rid of most, something he’d feared since childhood: Diet Coke.