Well, my masterpiece is finished. My life will be empty without it, but at least now everyone can enjoy the fruits of my imagination!
I decided that I needed to write a new 'normal' blog because I haven't done one in December yet. So here we go...
Ice - It was really icy this morning and walking my brother to school was hilarious. it really shouldn't have been but it was. You just can't hold the laughter in when you see a kid fly flat on his arse while trying to show off. Priceless. Karma nearly got me back though. I almost went on my way home!
Benefits - How can people complain that the government's gonna stop their benefits if they don't look for work? Why do they think they have the right to leech off other people who work hard? I'm sticking to the plan that I set out in one of my very first blogs about 4 years ago: Blow up Bransholme and make it 'BransHOLE'.
And now I've suddenly run out of things to talk about, so I'm going to finish on a quote from Futurama.
"Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's Love: Hard and Fast"
Goodbye and Goodnight!
Thursday 11 December 2008
An Epic Tale Part 4: The End
It was the day of the assault on diet coke and Bill was sat in a helicopter with the rubber fist ready to parachute in.
“I’m nervous, I think I’ve just wet myself” said the rubber fist.
“Shut up you girl” replied Bill in a typical lorry driver fashion.
As they both jumped the sound of the rubber fist’s bowels emptying could be distinctly heard. Despite this, Bill was focussed. He would defeat whoever was in charge of this un-holy product.
Luckily, our heroes parachuted straight through the glass ceiling of the head of Diet Coke’s office. Which when this story is made into a film will probably be replaced by lots of fight scenes and possibly a rip off of Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, this is the written version so use your imagination!
“Who are you?” said the mysterious director sat at a darkened desk in his office.
“My name’s Bill and this is my slightly homosexual sidekick; Jonathan” exclaimed Bill.
“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting you, despite my previous question. Sorry about the darkness by the way, bloody bulb’s gone!” said the director as he paced slowly into the light in a dramatic fashion.
“You ruined my life! Who are you?”
“I think deep down you’ve know all along Bill”
The director stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Bill’s long time friend; Alex Blackburne.
“Alex? How could you!? I thought we were friends?” screeched the rubber fist.
Bill fell silent. Did he really want to kill his friend? Whether he had caused the death of his parents or not?
Fortunately fate made the decision for him. Alex slipped in a puddle of Diet Coke that he had spilled earlier in the day and he was sent crashing through the window of his 12th floor office head first onto a conveniently placed 8ft spike. Bill then realised that he had not used his super-powers at all in the full adventure, maybe it had been an oversight by the writer in an otherwise brilliant literary masterpiece, whatever it was, Bill didn’t really care. He flew home the next day, happy that he had taken revenge.
Blah Blah Blah ...Happily ever after.
“I’m nervous, I think I’ve just wet myself” said the rubber fist.
“Shut up you girl” replied Bill in a typical lorry driver fashion.
As they both jumped the sound of the rubber fist’s bowels emptying could be distinctly heard. Despite this, Bill was focussed. He would defeat whoever was in charge of this un-holy product.
Luckily, our heroes parachuted straight through the glass ceiling of the head of Diet Coke’s office. Which when this story is made into a film will probably be replaced by lots of fight scenes and possibly a rip off of Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, this is the written version so use your imagination!
“Who are you?” said the mysterious director sat at a darkened desk in his office.
“My name’s Bill and this is my slightly homosexual sidekick; Jonathan” exclaimed Bill.
“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting you, despite my previous question. Sorry about the darkness by the way, bloody bulb’s gone!” said the director as he paced slowly into the light in a dramatic fashion.
“You ruined my life! Who are you?”
“I think deep down you’ve know all along Bill”
The director stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Bill’s long time friend; Alex Blackburne.
“Alex? How could you!? I thought we were friends?” screeched the rubber fist.
Bill fell silent. Did he really want to kill his friend? Whether he had caused the death of his parents or not?
Fortunately fate made the decision for him. Alex slipped in a puddle of Diet Coke that he had spilled earlier in the day and he was sent crashing through the window of his 12th floor office head first onto a conveniently placed 8ft spike. Bill then realised that he had not used his super-powers at all in the full adventure, maybe it had been an oversight by the writer in an otherwise brilliant literary masterpiece, whatever it was, Bill didn’t really care. He flew home the next day, happy that he had taken revenge.
Blah Blah Blah ...Happily ever after.
Monday 8 December 2008
An Epic Tale Part 3: Calm Before the Storm
After many months of training (Which if this was a film would probably involve some kind of triumphant montage) Bill and the Rubber Fist started their assault on the Diet Coke headquarters.
Bill had spent a year’s wages on super-hero costumes, gadgets and the plane tickets to America, but he knew that it would all be worth it if he could take his revenge.
It was raining in Atlanta. The heroes were tired, and the colours in their costumes had begun to run. They stood outside the gates of the coca-cola company looking determined. Tomorrow they would launch their attack on Diet Coke (Once their costumes had dried).
Bill woke up with the rubber fist sprawled across his side of the bed in a pool of his own saliva, well, what he hoped was saliva. They’d been drinking and things had got kind of weird, but that’s a story for another day.
Bill had spent a year’s wages on super-hero costumes, gadgets and the plane tickets to America, but he knew that it would all be worth it if he could take his revenge.
It was raining in Atlanta. The heroes were tired, and the colours in their costumes had begun to run. They stood outside the gates of the coca-cola company looking determined. Tomorrow they would launch their attack on Diet Coke (Once their costumes had dried).
Bill woke up with the rubber fist sprawled across his side of the bed in a pool of his own saliva, well, what he hoped was saliva. They’d been drinking and things had got kind of weird, but that’s a story for another day.
An Epic Tale Part 2: Choosing a Side-Kick
Bill had first encountered Diet Coke as a child and its sugarless taste had haunted his taste buds ever since. His fear however was not based purely on a bad taste. When he was 8, his Mother was killed after choking on a diet coke bottle top. Then 2 years later he was orphaned when a crate of the stuff fell on his father’s head during a trip to Aldi.
Unfortunately, Bill was no Clark Kent, He was no Peter Parker and he was no Bruce Wayne. He was just plain old Bill Board with a big podgy belly and a love for anything deep-fried. This was going to be tough. If he was to take on the sugar-free giant, he would need help.
So Bill gathered together both of his friends and held auditions for a side-kick. Bill knew that a side-kick had to be much weaker and much more camp than the actual hero, so this ruled out the ultra-strong, ultra-masculine Alex Blackburne, meaning that Jonny Calvert won by default. Bill didn’t particularly like Jonny, and he liked him even less when he revealed that his super-hero name was “The Rubber Fist”, but he would have to do. Bill was running out of time...
Unfortunately, Bill was no Clark Kent, He was no Peter Parker and he was no Bruce Wayne. He was just plain old Bill Board with a big podgy belly and a love for anything deep-fried. This was going to be tough. If he was to take on the sugar-free giant, he would need help.
So Bill gathered together both of his friends and held auditions for a side-kick. Bill knew that a side-kick had to be much weaker and much more camp than the actual hero, so this ruled out the ultra-strong, ultra-masculine Alex Blackburne, meaning that Jonny Calvert won by default. Bill didn’t particularly like Jonny, and he liked him even less when he revealed that his super-hero name was “The Rubber Fist”, but he would have to do. Bill was running out of time...
Wednesday 3 December 2008
An Epic Tale Part 1: Meet Mr Board
A desolate Yorkshire beach on a bitterly cold day; there’s little sign of life except for a flock of malicious seagulls in the distance circling the battered corpse of a badger. A man stands atop the lighthouse triumphantly, hair flowing in the wind, and mutters, “Fucking Badgers”.
This man, surprisingly, is the hero of this story. His name is Bill; he’s 43, divorced with 2 kids. Until very recently he worked as a lorry driver but it came to a sudden end after a service station Cornish pasty turned him into a “Super-Hero”.
Bill wasn’t used to being super. He had always been somewhat average, if not slightly below. At school he was always more interested in what was in his packed lunch box than doing his work. He therefore chose to go into the business of “Meals on Wheels” which was a bad choice. He couldn’t stand the elderly and was fired for choking Mrs. McGee after she had protested against him eating her pork chop. He had numerous jobs during his 20s including Taxi driver, Escort, Underwear Tester, Laboratory Rat and Gigolo. He began driving lorries at 34, where he would remain until he encountered the Cornish pasty which was to shape his destiny.
Bill didn’t really know what to do with his new powers, killing the badger was the first positive thing that he’d done, but he knew he had to move on to bigger things. Maybe he’d get revenge on all the kids who picked on him at school? Maybe he’d end world hunger? Maybe he’d kill Robert Mugabe? All of these were possibilities, but at the back of his mind, Bill knew what he wanted rid of most, something he’d feared since childhood: Diet Coke.
This man, surprisingly, is the hero of this story. His name is Bill; he’s 43, divorced with 2 kids. Until very recently he worked as a lorry driver but it came to a sudden end after a service station Cornish pasty turned him into a “Super-Hero”.
Bill wasn’t used to being super. He had always been somewhat average, if not slightly below. At school he was always more interested in what was in his packed lunch box than doing his work. He therefore chose to go into the business of “Meals on Wheels” which was a bad choice. He couldn’t stand the elderly and was fired for choking Mrs. McGee after she had protested against him eating her pork chop. He had numerous jobs during his 20s including Taxi driver, Escort, Underwear Tester, Laboratory Rat and Gigolo. He began driving lorries at 34, where he would remain until he encountered the Cornish pasty which was to shape his destiny.
Bill didn’t really know what to do with his new powers, killing the badger was the first positive thing that he’d done, but he knew he had to move on to bigger things. Maybe he’d get revenge on all the kids who picked on him at school? Maybe he’d end world hunger? Maybe he’d kill Robert Mugabe? All of these were possibilities, but at the back of his mind, Bill knew what he wanted rid of most, something he’d feared since childhood: Diet Coke.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
