Well, my masterpiece is finished. My life will be empty without it, but at least now everyone can enjoy the fruits of my imagination!
I decided that I needed to write a new 'normal' blog because I haven't done one in December yet. So here we go...
Ice - It was really icy this morning and walking my brother to school was hilarious. it really shouldn't have been but it was. You just can't hold the laughter in when you see a kid fly flat on his arse while trying to show off. Priceless. Karma nearly got me back though. I almost went on my way home!
Benefits - How can people complain that the government's gonna stop their benefits if they don't look for work? Why do they think they have the right to leech off other people who work hard? I'm sticking to the plan that I set out in one of my very first blogs about 4 years ago: Blow up Bransholme and make it 'BransHOLE'.
And now I've suddenly run out of things to talk about, so I'm going to finish on a quote from Futurama.
"Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's Love: Hard and Fast"
Goodbye and Goodnight!
Thursday 11 December 2008
An Epic Tale Part 4: The End
It was the day of the assault on diet coke and Bill was sat in a helicopter with the rubber fist ready to parachute in.
“I’m nervous, I think I’ve just wet myself” said the rubber fist.
“Shut up you girl” replied Bill in a typical lorry driver fashion.
As they both jumped the sound of the rubber fist’s bowels emptying could be distinctly heard. Despite this, Bill was focussed. He would defeat whoever was in charge of this un-holy product.
Luckily, our heroes parachuted straight through the glass ceiling of the head of Diet Coke’s office. Which when this story is made into a film will probably be replaced by lots of fight scenes and possibly a rip off of Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, this is the written version so use your imagination!
“Who are you?” said the mysterious director sat at a darkened desk in his office.
“My name’s Bill and this is my slightly homosexual sidekick; Jonathan” exclaimed Bill.
“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting you, despite my previous question. Sorry about the darkness by the way, bloody bulb’s gone!” said the director as he paced slowly into the light in a dramatic fashion.
“You ruined my life! Who are you?”
“I think deep down you’ve know all along Bill”
The director stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Bill’s long time friend; Alex Blackburne.
“Alex? How could you!? I thought we were friends?” screeched the rubber fist.
Bill fell silent. Did he really want to kill his friend? Whether he had caused the death of his parents or not?
Fortunately fate made the decision for him. Alex slipped in a puddle of Diet Coke that he had spilled earlier in the day and he was sent crashing through the window of his 12th floor office head first onto a conveniently placed 8ft spike. Bill then realised that he had not used his super-powers at all in the full adventure, maybe it had been an oversight by the writer in an otherwise brilliant literary masterpiece, whatever it was, Bill didn’t really care. He flew home the next day, happy that he had taken revenge.
Blah Blah Blah ...Happily ever after.
“I’m nervous, I think I’ve just wet myself” said the rubber fist.
“Shut up you girl” replied Bill in a typical lorry driver fashion.
As they both jumped the sound of the rubber fist’s bowels emptying could be distinctly heard. Despite this, Bill was focussed. He would defeat whoever was in charge of this un-holy product.
Luckily, our heroes parachuted straight through the glass ceiling of the head of Diet Coke’s office. Which when this story is made into a film will probably be replaced by lots of fight scenes and possibly a rip off of Oompa-Loompas. Anyway, this is the written version so use your imagination!
“Who are you?” said the mysterious director sat at a darkened desk in his office.
“My name’s Bill and this is my slightly homosexual sidekick; Jonathan” exclaimed Bill.
“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting you, despite my previous question. Sorry about the darkness by the way, bloody bulb’s gone!” said the director as he paced slowly into the light in a dramatic fashion.
“You ruined my life! Who are you?”
“I think deep down you’ve know all along Bill”
The director stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Bill’s long time friend; Alex Blackburne.
“Alex? How could you!? I thought we were friends?” screeched the rubber fist.
Bill fell silent. Did he really want to kill his friend? Whether he had caused the death of his parents or not?
Fortunately fate made the decision for him. Alex slipped in a puddle of Diet Coke that he had spilled earlier in the day and he was sent crashing through the window of his 12th floor office head first onto a conveniently placed 8ft spike. Bill then realised that he had not used his super-powers at all in the full adventure, maybe it had been an oversight by the writer in an otherwise brilliant literary masterpiece, whatever it was, Bill didn’t really care. He flew home the next day, happy that he had taken revenge.
Blah Blah Blah ...Happily ever after.
Monday 8 December 2008
An Epic Tale Part 3: Calm Before the Storm
After many months of training (Which if this was a film would probably involve some kind of triumphant montage) Bill and the Rubber Fist started their assault on the Diet Coke headquarters.
Bill had spent a year’s wages on super-hero costumes, gadgets and the plane tickets to America, but he knew that it would all be worth it if he could take his revenge.
It was raining in Atlanta. The heroes were tired, and the colours in their costumes had begun to run. They stood outside the gates of the coca-cola company looking determined. Tomorrow they would launch their attack on Diet Coke (Once their costumes had dried).
Bill woke up with the rubber fist sprawled across his side of the bed in a pool of his own saliva, well, what he hoped was saliva. They’d been drinking and things had got kind of weird, but that’s a story for another day.
Bill had spent a year’s wages on super-hero costumes, gadgets and the plane tickets to America, but he knew that it would all be worth it if he could take his revenge.
It was raining in Atlanta. The heroes were tired, and the colours in their costumes had begun to run. They stood outside the gates of the coca-cola company looking determined. Tomorrow they would launch their attack on Diet Coke (Once their costumes had dried).
Bill woke up with the rubber fist sprawled across his side of the bed in a pool of his own saliva, well, what he hoped was saliva. They’d been drinking and things had got kind of weird, but that’s a story for another day.
An Epic Tale Part 2: Choosing a Side-Kick
Bill had first encountered Diet Coke as a child and its sugarless taste had haunted his taste buds ever since. His fear however was not based purely on a bad taste. When he was 8, his Mother was killed after choking on a diet coke bottle top. Then 2 years later he was orphaned when a crate of the stuff fell on his father’s head during a trip to Aldi.
Unfortunately, Bill was no Clark Kent, He was no Peter Parker and he was no Bruce Wayne. He was just plain old Bill Board with a big podgy belly and a love for anything deep-fried. This was going to be tough. If he was to take on the sugar-free giant, he would need help.
So Bill gathered together both of his friends and held auditions for a side-kick. Bill knew that a side-kick had to be much weaker and much more camp than the actual hero, so this ruled out the ultra-strong, ultra-masculine Alex Blackburne, meaning that Jonny Calvert won by default. Bill didn’t particularly like Jonny, and he liked him even less when he revealed that his super-hero name was “The Rubber Fist”, but he would have to do. Bill was running out of time...
Unfortunately, Bill was no Clark Kent, He was no Peter Parker and he was no Bruce Wayne. He was just plain old Bill Board with a big podgy belly and a love for anything deep-fried. This was going to be tough. If he was to take on the sugar-free giant, he would need help.
So Bill gathered together both of his friends and held auditions for a side-kick. Bill knew that a side-kick had to be much weaker and much more camp than the actual hero, so this ruled out the ultra-strong, ultra-masculine Alex Blackburne, meaning that Jonny Calvert won by default. Bill didn’t particularly like Jonny, and he liked him even less when he revealed that his super-hero name was “The Rubber Fist”, but he would have to do. Bill was running out of time...
Wednesday 3 December 2008
An Epic Tale Part 1: Meet Mr Board
A desolate Yorkshire beach on a bitterly cold day; there’s little sign of life except for a flock of malicious seagulls in the distance circling the battered corpse of a badger. A man stands atop the lighthouse triumphantly, hair flowing in the wind, and mutters, “Fucking Badgers”.
This man, surprisingly, is the hero of this story. His name is Bill; he’s 43, divorced with 2 kids. Until very recently he worked as a lorry driver but it came to a sudden end after a service station Cornish pasty turned him into a “Super-Hero”.
Bill wasn’t used to being super. He had always been somewhat average, if not slightly below. At school he was always more interested in what was in his packed lunch box than doing his work. He therefore chose to go into the business of “Meals on Wheels” which was a bad choice. He couldn’t stand the elderly and was fired for choking Mrs. McGee after she had protested against him eating her pork chop. He had numerous jobs during his 20s including Taxi driver, Escort, Underwear Tester, Laboratory Rat and Gigolo. He began driving lorries at 34, where he would remain until he encountered the Cornish pasty which was to shape his destiny.
Bill didn’t really know what to do with his new powers, killing the badger was the first positive thing that he’d done, but he knew he had to move on to bigger things. Maybe he’d get revenge on all the kids who picked on him at school? Maybe he’d end world hunger? Maybe he’d kill Robert Mugabe? All of these were possibilities, but at the back of his mind, Bill knew what he wanted rid of most, something he’d feared since childhood: Diet Coke.
This man, surprisingly, is the hero of this story. His name is Bill; he’s 43, divorced with 2 kids. Until very recently he worked as a lorry driver but it came to a sudden end after a service station Cornish pasty turned him into a “Super-Hero”.
Bill wasn’t used to being super. He had always been somewhat average, if not slightly below. At school he was always more interested in what was in his packed lunch box than doing his work. He therefore chose to go into the business of “Meals on Wheels” which was a bad choice. He couldn’t stand the elderly and was fired for choking Mrs. McGee after she had protested against him eating her pork chop. He had numerous jobs during his 20s including Taxi driver, Escort, Underwear Tester, Laboratory Rat and Gigolo. He began driving lorries at 34, where he would remain until he encountered the Cornish pasty which was to shape his destiny.
Bill didn’t really know what to do with his new powers, killing the badger was the first positive thing that he’d done, but he knew he had to move on to bigger things. Maybe he’d get revenge on all the kids who picked on him at school? Maybe he’d end world hunger? Maybe he’d kill Robert Mugabe? All of these were possibilities, but at the back of his mind, Bill knew what he wanted rid of most, something he’d feared since childhood: Diet Coke.
Sunday 30 November 2008
Water Based Warfare
Waking up on a hard floor lying next to someone hairier than a mountain gorilla is quite weird by all accounts, but when you're in Lincoln it's even weirder. I feel I should really explain myself...
You see Alex’s birthday was at the beginning of March so we decided that the end of November was as good a time as any to celebrate! Put simply, Alex had paintballing vouchers which expired today, so we used them.
We (Me, Matt and Rob) went down on Saturday night via Lincolnshire’s death roads in thick fog which was interesting. Had a few drinks, the usual, got back to Alex’s room and undertook what can only be described as the systematic pranking of everyone in my phone-book. It’s surprising how many people get annoyed at being called at 2am, but we just thought it was funny.
Matt, having forgotten his sleeping bag, had to spoon with Alex. I take great pleasure in publishing this photo:
And realising that the floor was about as comfortable as a 17th century slave ship I decided to try sleeping like this:
So anyway, paintballing. It was actually quite fun. There’s no better feeling than nailing a big, fat, annoying guy in the head from distance (and I didn’t even mean that in a sexual way).
The downside: Matty shooting his own team-mates. I’m sure he’s responsible for the lump on the back of my head. Dopey Bugger!
You see Alex’s birthday was at the beginning of March so we decided that the end of November was as good a time as any to celebrate! Put simply, Alex had paintballing vouchers which expired today, so we used them.
We (Me, Matt and Rob) went down on Saturday night via Lincolnshire’s death roads in thick fog which was interesting. Had a few drinks, the usual, got back to Alex’s room and undertook what can only be described as the systematic pranking of everyone in my phone-book. It’s surprising how many people get annoyed at being called at 2am, but we just thought it was funny.
Matt, having forgotten his sleeping bag, had to spoon with Alex. I take great pleasure in publishing this photo:
And realising that the floor was about as comfortable as a 17th century slave ship I decided to try sleeping like this:
So anyway, paintballing. It was actually quite fun. There’s no better feeling than nailing a big, fat, annoying guy in the head from distance (and I didn’t even mean that in a sexual way).
The downside: Matty shooting his own team-mates. I’m sure he’s responsible for the lump on the back of my head. Dopey Bugger!
Wednesday 26 November 2008
A Cup of Tea Makes Everything Better
It does, it's true!
But just to be certain I had a load of biscuits and mince pies too, and of course no night in would be complete without Family Guy and some classic AC/DC. I was expecting a really sh*t day today, but it was pretty good. Don't you love it when that happens?
I was starting to have Blog withdrawal symptoms, but I honestly had nothing to talk about. This week's been about as interesting as sautéed potatoes. But I’m gonna try.
They’re apparently going to start charging people to throw away their waste. I don’t see how people can complain so much though. It’s really simple to recycle. Look at Bransholme for example; 96% of houses there are made out of old yoghurt pots, banana peels and their unwanted children (Which is a lot, they breed like rabbits and usually with their cousins). So, people of Britain, live the way of the Bransholmers! Wear your cap peak high! Drink only the highest class of special brew! And live in a house made from only the best polystyrene!
Oh how I love to be un-PC!
I’ve been told by Al B that I should write a short story, so I’m going to do exactly that. But not now, Now I’m going to Bed. Well, when I finish this sentence I will. Wait, this one. No, this one! Or will it be this one? I could go on all night.
THIS ONE!
Sunday 23 November 2008
How Exciting!
Rough night lastnight!
I was in bed by 10:30 watching Match of the Day. I really need to slow down, I'll do myself an injury if I carry on doing all these exciting things all the time!
Two things happened today:
1) I Woke up and it had snowed.
2) I woke up and my car had a puncture.
Snow's obviously good, Punctures however suck more than Jenna Jameson, and changing a tyre in the snow sucks a whole lot more. If you've ever lied on your back in the snow for a long time (as Jenna Jameson often does) you'll know it's not the best thing to do (But at least she gets paid for it).
Another thing about today, which you should take note of, is that it's my birthday in exactly 1 month. So make sure you buy your presents early and make sure you spend £50 or more otherwise I won't be your friend. Finally, if you try buying me a joint present for my birthday and christmas, you'll wake up with your balls in your mouth (detatched).
I was in bed by 10:30 watching Match of the Day. I really need to slow down, I'll do myself an injury if I carry on doing all these exciting things all the time!
Two things happened today:
1) I Woke up and it had snowed.
2) I woke up and my car had a puncture.
Snow's obviously good, Punctures however suck more than Jenna Jameson, and changing a tyre in the snow sucks a whole lot more. If you've ever lied on your back in the snow for a long time (as Jenna Jameson often does) you'll know it's not the best thing to do (But at least she gets paid for it).
Another thing about today, which you should take note of, is that it's my birthday in exactly 1 month. So make sure you buy your presents early and make sure you spend £50 or more otherwise I won't be your friend. Finally, if you try buying me a joint present for my birthday and christmas, you'll wake up with your balls in your mouth (detatched).
Friday 21 November 2008
Just a Short One
I've definatly contracted Blog Fever.
I feel compelled to write about anything which remotely relates to my day what-so-ever and I don't think it's healthy.
What I do know however from previous blogs, is that the ideas will soon dry up. With this (and the fact that I have a memory span shorter than a book of French war heroes) in mind, I've decided to make the most of it!
It seems that the fever's spreading aswell, the one and only Rob Black now has a blog! So if you ever need to know anything about anything, that should be your first port of call. Oh, and by anything I only mean Hull KR and what's wrong with Tuition Fees, I doubt he'll get much further than that!
I feel compelled to write about anything which remotely relates to my day what-so-ever and I don't think it's healthy.
What I do know however from previous blogs, is that the ideas will soon dry up. With this (and the fact that I have a memory span shorter than a book of French war heroes) in mind, I've decided to make the most of it!
It seems that the fever's spreading aswell, the one and only Rob Black now has a blog! So if you ever need to know anything about anything, that should be your first port of call. Oh, and by anything I only mean Hull KR and what's wrong with Tuition Fees, I doubt he'll get much further than that!
Dear Doris, You'll Never Guess What I Did!
12 Hours later and my verbs are still sat here on my desk not being learned. Which means that this afternoon will be a massive cramming session, trying to get as much in as I can (Just not in the way that Jonny C does, the gay little terrier).
I really need motivating, but there are too many better things to be doing; Facebook, Watching TV, going back to bed, drinking copious amounts of sugary Tea to name a few. It's just impossible!
I even got so bored that I was reading my sister's 'Cosmo' this morning, apparently that's what all the kids call Cosmoplitan... Anyway, half the pages are adverts, none of which are about cars or naked ladies so it was pretty god damn boring. The sex pages however are hilarious! Such classic tales as "I was sacked for having sex on the office stairs" and "I wouldn't have done it sober" are an inspiring insight into the lives of overweight, middle-aged housewives who like to throw it about a bit. Who doesn't like reading about what Gladice from marketing did with Martin from management on the photocopier at the last christmas party? Well... Me actually.
I really need motivating, but there are too many better things to be doing; Facebook, Watching TV, going back to bed, drinking copious amounts of sugary Tea to name a few. It's just impossible!
I even got so bored that I was reading my sister's 'Cosmo' this morning, apparently that's what all the kids call Cosmoplitan... Anyway, half the pages are adverts, none of which are about cars or naked ladies so it was pretty god damn boring. The sex pages however are hilarious! Such classic tales as "I was sacked for having sex on the office stairs" and "I wouldn't have done it sober" are an inspiring insight into the lives of overweight, middle-aged housewives who like to throw it about a bit. Who doesn't like reading about what Gladice from marketing did with Martin from management on the photocopier at the last christmas party? Well... Me actually.
Thursday 20 November 2008
Procrastination
I got in at 6pm tonight, who doesn't love traffic lights? Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I can't be bothered to do work and I'm generally putting it off. I know what you're thinking, Who doesn't want to learn numerous German verbs? It must just be me!
As I mentioned in the last blog, I'm not a fan of winter. Everything's so dull. So I decided to look at holidays to take my mind off the cold. I then realised how stupid travel companies are, car rental companies to be precise. Who in their right mind would drive a camper van from Frankfurt to Iran? Who would even go to Iran? Do they even have roads there? Who would want to get shot as an infidel for pleasure?
Companies really do like to cover their arses don't they? I opened a tin of tuna the other day and realised that it said "May contain fish". That's as ridiculous as Hootie and the Blowfish or Morocco.
Anyway I feel I should go learn these verbs, otherwise the universe might end!
As I mentioned in the last blog, I'm not a fan of winter. Everything's so dull. So I decided to look at holidays to take my mind off the cold. I then realised how stupid travel companies are, car rental companies to be precise. Who in their right mind would drive a camper van from Frankfurt to Iran? Who would even go to Iran? Do they even have roads there? Who would want to get shot as an infidel for pleasure?
Companies really do like to cover their arses don't they? I opened a tin of tuna the other day and realised that it said "May contain fish". That's as ridiculous as Hootie and the Blowfish or Morocco.
Anyway I feel I should go learn these verbs, otherwise the universe might end!
Wednesday 19 November 2008
November
November's always a bit rubbish isn't it? There's firework night but that's about it. This year was ok, better than most others, but we still have a pile of empty rockets outside the back door and the remains of a Catherine wheel attached to the wall. Which is the same everywhere I suppose because nobody can be bothered to make the garden look nice when it's only light for 3 hours a day and it rains all the time. Don't you just love Britain?
The only other real notable event in November is of course Latvian Independence Day, which was yesterday. All the happy little Latvians celebrate their poor soil quality and lack of culture while worshiping their god: Marian Pahars (Formerly of Southampton FC) It really is the highlight of an all together dull month.
Oh, and if you're into musical theatre, you could always celebrate the Moroccan Independence Day where everyone parades through the streets of San Francisco and proclaims "We're Here, We're Queer, get used to it!" (Maybe it's a Lincoln thing)
With it being so late in the year, I feel I can't not mention Christmas, I might not act it, but I'm actually as excited as a catholic priest who's just "accidentally" locked himself in the dressing room of the Church's Under 11s Boys Football team and who's also "accidentally" lost his robe.
... best metaphor ever!
Anyway, the shops have all started playing Slade and Band Aid on a loop already (If they didn't know it was Christmas time back then, I'm sure they do now) and I'm sure all the Christmas lights down Preston Road are already up (If the people were ever sober and un-pregnant enough to manage taking them down last year). So I guess it's only a matter of time until the big fat guy empties his sack in my living room, and shortly afterwards Father Christmas will deliver some presents too.
Enough of that vulgarity, I figured I'd better back this blog up with a bit of history. I started blogging nearly 4 years ago on MSN live spaces, then moved to Myspace but they got a bit infrequent, and for some reason I've decided to start again. I generally go on about things that have 'ground my gears' recently or I just talk rubbish. Either way, Morocco's as gay as a tree full of sparrows.
Goodbye and Goodnight!
The only other real notable event in November is of course Latvian Independence Day, which was yesterday. All the happy little Latvians celebrate their poor soil quality and lack of culture while worshiping their god: Marian Pahars (Formerly of Southampton FC) It really is the highlight of an all together dull month.
Oh, and if you're into musical theatre, you could always celebrate the Moroccan Independence Day where everyone parades through the streets of San Francisco and proclaims "We're Here, We're Queer, get used to it!" (Maybe it's a Lincoln thing)
With it being so late in the year, I feel I can't not mention Christmas, I might not act it, but I'm actually as excited as a catholic priest who's just "accidentally" locked himself in the dressing room of the Church's Under 11s Boys Football team and who's also "accidentally" lost his robe.
... best metaphor ever!
Anyway, the shops have all started playing Slade and Band Aid on a loop already (If they didn't know it was Christmas time back then, I'm sure they do now) and I'm sure all the Christmas lights down Preston Road are already up (If the people were ever sober and un-pregnant enough to manage taking them down last year). So I guess it's only a matter of time until the big fat guy empties his sack in my living room, and shortly afterwards Father Christmas will deliver some presents too.
Enough of that vulgarity, I figured I'd better back this blog up with a bit of history. I started blogging nearly 4 years ago on MSN live spaces, then moved to Myspace but they got a bit infrequent, and for some reason I've decided to start again. I generally go on about things that have 'ground my gears' recently or I just talk rubbish. Either way, Morocco's as gay as a tree full of sparrows.
Goodbye and Goodnight!
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