Water Based Warfare

Waking up on a hard floor lying next to someone hairier than a mountain gorilla is quite weird by all accounts, but when you're in Lincoln it's even weirder. I feel I should really explain myself...

You see Alex’s birthday was at the beginning of March so we decided that the end of November was as good a time as any to celebrate! Put simply, Alex had paintballing vouchers which expired today, so we used them.

We (Me, Matt and Rob) went down on Saturday night via Lincolnshire’s death roads in thick fog which was interesting. Had a few drinks, the usual, got back to Alex’s room and undertook what can only be described as the systematic pranking of everyone in my phone-book. It’s surprising how many people get annoyed at being called at 2am, but we just thought it was funny.

Matt, having forgotten his sleeping bag, had to spoon with Alex. I take great pleasure in publishing this photo:



And realising that the floor was about as comfortable as a 17th century slave ship I decided to try sleeping like this:



So anyway, paintballing. It was actually quite fun. There’s no better feeling than nailing a big, fat, annoying guy in the head from distance (and I didn’t even mean that in a sexual way).

The downside: Matty shooting his own team-mates. I’m sure he’s responsible for the lump on the back of my head. Dopey Bugger!

A Cup of Tea Makes Everything Better

It does, it's true!

But just to be certain I had a load of biscuits and mince pies too, and of course no night in would be complete without Family Guy and some classic AC/DC. I was expecting a really sh*t day today, but it was pretty good. Don't you love it when that happens?

I was starting to have Blog withdrawal symptoms, but I honestly had nothing to talk about. This week's been about as interesting as sautéed potatoes. But I’m gonna try.

They’re apparently going to start charging people to throw away their waste. I don’t see how people can complain so much though. It’s really simple to recycle. Look at Bransholme for example; 96% of houses there are made out of old yoghurt pots, banana peels and their unwanted children (Which is a lot, they breed like rabbits and usually with their cousins). So, people of Britain, live the way of the Bransholmers! Wear your cap peak high! Drink only the highest class of special brew! And live in a house made from only the best polystyrene!

Oh how I love to be un-PC!

I’ve been told by Al B that I should write a short story, so I’m going to do exactly that. But not now, Now I’m going to Bed. Well, when I finish this sentence I will. Wait, this one. No, this one! Or will it be this one? I could go on all night.

THIS ONE!

How Exciting!

Rough night lastnight!

I was in bed by 10:30 watching Match of the Day. I really need to slow down, I'll do myself an injury if I carry on doing all these exciting things all the time!

Two things happened today:

1) I Woke up and it had snowed.
2) I woke up and my car had a puncture.

Snow's obviously good, Punctures however suck more than Jenna Jameson, and changing a tyre in the snow sucks a whole lot more. If you've ever lied on your back in the snow for a long time (as Jenna Jameson often does) you'll know it's not the best thing to do (But at least she gets paid for it).

Another thing about today, which you should take note of, is that it's my birthday in exactly 1 month. So make sure you buy your presents early and make sure you spend £50 or more otherwise I won't be your friend. Finally, if you try buying me a joint present for my birthday and christmas, you'll wake up with your balls in your mouth (detatched).

Just a Short One

I've definatly contracted Blog Fever.

I feel compelled to write about anything which remotely relates to my day what-so-ever and I don't think it's healthy.

What I do know however from previous blogs, is that the ideas will soon dry up. With this (and the fact that I have a memory span shorter than a book of French war heroes) in mind, I've decided to make the most of it!

It seems that the fever's spreading aswell, the one and only Rob Black now has a blog! So if you ever need to know anything about anything, that should be your first port of call. Oh, and by anything I only mean Hull KR and what's wrong with Tuition Fees, I doubt he'll get much further than that!

Dear Doris, You'll Never Guess What I Did!

12 Hours later and my verbs are still sat here on my desk not being learned. Which means that this afternoon will be a massive cramming session, trying to get as much in as I can (Just not in the way that Jonny C does, the gay little terrier).

I really need motivating, but there are too many better things to be doing; Facebook, Watching TV, going back to bed, drinking copious amounts of sugary Tea to name a few. It's just impossible!

I even got so bored that I was reading my sister's 'Cosmo' this morning, apparently that's what all the kids call Cosmoplitan... Anyway, half the pages are adverts, none of which are about cars or naked ladies so it was pretty god damn boring. The sex pages however are hilarious! Such classic tales as "I was sacked for having sex on the office stairs" and "I wouldn't have done it sober" are an inspiring insight into the lives of overweight, middle-aged housewives who like to throw it about a bit. Who doesn't like reading about what Gladice from marketing did with Martin from management on the photocopier at the last christmas party? Well... Me actually.

Procrastination

I got in at 6pm tonight, who doesn't love traffic lights? Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is because I can't be bothered to do work and I'm generally putting it off. I know what you're thinking, Who doesn't want to learn numerous German verbs? It must just be me!

As I mentioned in the last blog, I'm not a fan of winter. Everything's so dull. So I decided to look at holidays to take my mind off the cold. I then realised how stupid travel companies are, car rental companies to be precise. Who in their right mind would drive a camper van from Frankfurt to Iran? Who would even go to Iran? Do they even have roads there? Who would want to get shot as an infidel for pleasure?

Companies really do like to cover their arses don't they? I opened a tin of tuna the other day and realised that it said "May contain fish". That's as ridiculous as Hootie and the Blowfish or Morocco.

Anyway I feel I should go learn these verbs, otherwise the universe might end!

November

November's always a bit rubbish isn't it? There's firework night but that's about it. This year was ok, better than most others, but we still have a pile of empty rockets outside the back door and the remains of a Catherine wheel attached to the wall. Which is the same everywhere I suppose because nobody can be bothered to make the garden look nice when it's only light for 3 hours a day and it rains all the time. Don't you just love Britain?

The only other real notable event in November is of course Latvian Independence Day, which was yesterday. All the happy little Latvians celebrate their poor soil quality and lack of culture while worshiping their god: Marian Pahars (Formerly of Southampton FC) It really is the highlight of an all together dull month.

Oh, and if you're into musical theatre, you could always celebrate the Moroccan Independence Day where everyone parades through the streets of San Francisco and proclaims "We're Here, We're Queer, get used to it!" (Maybe it's a Lincoln thing)

With it being so late in the year, I feel I can't not mention Christmas, I might not act it, but I'm actually as excited as a catholic priest who's just "accidentally" locked himself in the dressing room of the Church's Under 11s Boys Football team and who's also "accidentally" lost his robe.

... best metaphor ever!

Anyway, the shops have all started playing Slade and Band Aid on a loop already (If they didn't know it was Christmas time back then, I'm sure they do now) and I'm sure all the Christmas lights down Preston Road are already up (If the people were ever sober and un-pregnant enough to manage taking them down last year). So I guess it's only a matter of time until the big fat guy empties his sack in my living room, and shortly afterwards Father Christmas will deliver some presents too.

Enough of that vulgarity, I figured I'd better back this blog up with a bit of history. I started blogging nearly 4 years ago on MSN live spaces, then moved to Myspace but they got a bit infrequent, and for some reason I've decided to start again. I generally go on about things that have 'ground my gears' recently or I just talk rubbish. Either way, Morocco's as gay as a tree full of sparrows.

Goodbye and Goodnight!